Duties will include:
Petting cats/dogs when my hands are typing.
Determining if plot twists are too twisted.
Helping me choose which caftan to wear.
Keeping me from drunk eBaying.
Sharing pizza so I don’t eat the whole thing.
Stopping me from shin-kicking people.
Posting bail when I can't be stopped.
Please apply in the comments section. No monetary compensation, but you will receive enough fodder for cocktail party conversation for years to come and gain a deep understanding of opossums.