Welcome to the Sunday Confessional. I confess that I love Catfish. I am not talking about the mud-dwelling variety, although I do enjoy those when Cajun-seasoned and blackened. I am talking about the M-TV show with Nev Schulman and his surly sidekick, Max Joseph.
It’s a spin-off of the documentary film chronicling Nev’s online love affair with a stunning and successful model/singer/songwriter/philanthropist who…believe it or not--because no way that sounds too good to be true…is not who she says she is. Instead she’s a frumpy middle-aged mother who uses her fake Facebook profile to escape from her stressful life. This apparently happens so often that each week they help hopeless romantics involved in cyber relationships connect with their soul mates. Surprise--it rarely ever works out and the person on the other end of the keyboard is seldom who they claim to be. These impostors are called catfish, which according to Wikipedia (who we all know is an indisputable source of information) is, “a person who creates fake personal profiles on social media sites—pretending to be someone more outwardly appealing than his/her true self, by using someone else's pictures and false biographical information.”
After watching every episode, this is what I have learned:
1) Unless they are a vampire, if they refuse to video chat…they are not real.
2) If they claim to be an astronaut/space archeologist, swimwear model, cage fighter, Sherpa, psychic porn star, Druid, opera singer about to sign with a major label…or have some other career that usually only exists in James Patterson novels…they are not real.
3) If every time you are supposed to meet in person, their rare form of cancer comes out of remission…they are not real.
4) If they swear the reason you cannot see each other face to face is because they are in the Witness Protection Program or working undercover for the FBI…they are not real.
5) If their photos look like they were taken during a Victoria’s Secret/GQ photo shoot on a Bahamian beach …they are not real.
Which leads me to my final lesson...
6) If the person you are communicating with online is twice as hot as anyone you’ve ever been able to score with in real life…they are not real. I know it’s sad and superficial, but it is the ugly truth…pardon the pun.
the bourbonistA, Promoting Debauchery and stamping out political-correctness one blog at a time.