Me: If something doesn't change, I'm going to divorce or kill you.
Frank: Why? We get along awesome.
Me: Yes, when we're awake.
Frank: What are you talking about?
Me: I haven't slept in weeks. I don't want to be one of those sad couples who have separate beds.
Frank: It worked for Ricky and Lucy.
Me: No, it didn't. In real life he was a notorious boozer and womanizer, and she had a temper like a Tasmanian Devil. They divorced. Anyway, something has to change.
Frank: Like what?
Me: You have got to learn to respect the bedding. First, you spin like a crocodile in a death roll and rip the fitted sheet off the bed every single night. Then, you just randomly pick and choose whether you would prefer the top sheet, quilt, or comforter and steal it, leaving me with a tangled mess of the rest to deal with. Then, you make it impossible to get the stolen linen back by tucking and tying it all around you like Kinbaku.
Frank: What's Kinbaku?
Me: A Japanese bondage technique using knots. Don't change the subject! Then, you stuff a pillow between your knees and try to spoon. It gets all up in my stuff. It's like I'm being molested by marshmallow.
Frank: You're crazy.
Donna: Maybe. But, may I remind you that both insanity and sleep deprivation have been successfully used as murder defenses.
the bourbonistA, Promoting Debauchery and stamping out political-correctness one blog at a time.