Though I’m not normally much of a filmophile, over the course of our four-day stay in Gatlinberg, we watched ten movies, including “The Help” twice. Here is a rundown with my reviews.
1) Cabin in the Woods- Teaches us two valuable lessons. Hang on to our virginity like it was a matter of life or death, because in a world controlled by bloodthirsty giants an intact hymen is the only thing that will save you. And, unicorns will kill you if given the chance.
2) Cabin Fever - Are you seeing a theme here? Basically the same movie as “Cabin in the Woods” except with a flesh-eating virus instead of a family of backwoods zombies.
3) Mangus! –Tap Dancing, music by Hall & Oates, John Waters as Christ, Leslie Jordan as Santa Claus, bi-racial girl-on-girl action in a Sno-Cone truck, and the line, “The school board has decided that it would not be politically-correct to have a paralyzed Jesus?’ Need I say more?
4) Willow- I will defer to Frank on this one. He states: “That Willow was one weird looking midget, and with that hair Val Kilmer looked like the lesbian from that show in the seventies where all the girls lived together with that old woman that took care of them (TRANSLATION: Nancy Mckeon in “Fact of Life:”).
5) The Descendents- George Cloony does a lot of good acting and flat-footed running. The daughter’s buddy reminded me of a young Frank. And, even though the character was a cheating whore, I felt sorry for the poor actress who had to spend the whole film just lying there in a coma while everyone around her gave Academy-worthy performances.
7) Five Year Engagement- Made me want to learn to knit, fulfill my dream of shooting someone with a crossbow, eat more pastrami, have sex in a vat of Waldorf Salad, and renew my wedding vows.
8) Prometheus – This film forces us to ask many questions about mankind and its origins, like: When did Charlize Theron become so smug? In a no-holds-barred underwater cage match between a Great White shark and a giant squid who would win? And Why does Ridley Scott hate filmgoers so much that he would inflict this movie on them?
9) The Help- I am glad I finally gave in to this gem…twice. Though sometimes I felt as uncomfortable as I’m sure the actresses did in those girdles, it was as delicious as Minny’s chocolate pie. And, Bravo Bryce for creating one of the most convincing cunts in film with Hilly Holbrook.
10) The Devil Inside- Apparently, when you’re possessed by the devil you become really limber. So, if your dream is to become a contortionist for Cirque du Soleil, just play with a Ouija Board.
the bourbonistA, Promoting Debauchery and stamping out political-correctness one blog at a time.