The one thing that infuriates me to the point of nearly exploding in an irate eruption of boiling bourbon lava is cruelty to animals. Any time I hear of some barbaric bastard causing an innocent creature harm, it takes everything I have not to jump in my car, drive to where they are and inflict the same fear and pain upon them. I dream of being some animal-avenging super hero. But since currently, I do not have the power of invisibility, I would be caught and spend the rest of my life in jail, and then who would take care of all the sweet beasts in my life (including my husband).
So, for now, I can only volunteer at the Humane Society, send money to animal rights groups, and dream of a perfect world in which it is members of the Kingdom Animalia that exact the punishment upon these pathetic perpetrators. It would go something like this.
If you stomp a kitten, put a puppy in the microwave, starve an equine, or in any way hurt any fabulous fauna, the following are possible means of castigation:
1) Be hung in a simulated swamp where you would be blooded by leeches from the waist down and mosquitoes from the waist up.
2) Be dropped into a school of the carnivorous Humboldt squid during a feeding frenzy.
3) Be sodomized by a bison.
4) Be buried in a giant litter box with only your face exposed and then placed in a room with two dozen cats that have been fed 9 Lives Tender Carvings with Real Salmon & Crab in Gravy.
If you have any suggestions for other disciplinary animal actions, feel free to share.
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