This will be my first Sunday Six blog, where I give you six tips on how to solve life's pesky problems in Bourbonista fashion. Today's entry is in response to the question: “How can you be friendly to someone without them misinterpreting it for something much more and showing up at your door?”
I do not have a particularly delightful demeanor nor a warm voice nor body language that invites hugs or even handshakes. Therefore, the only time I have even slightly worried that some stranger might follow me home is at Walmart when occasionally some man in the canned food aisle misinterprets my “What the fuck are you looking at?” glare for a come-hither stare. I remedy the problem by throwing creamed corn at him. However,there are less violent ways than pelting canned goods at strangers to discourage people you would prefer to keep as casual acquaintances from wanting to take up residence in your tool shed.
1) Always greet them with an animal sound. You could meow like cat, or moo like a cow, or hoot like an owl, or howl like a wolf, I prefer barking like a dog. While living in Washington Heights, New York—a neighborhood mentioned on every other episode of “Law & Order”--I employed this method to keep the drug dealers who hung out on the corner drinking Crown Royal straight out of the velvet bag from snake hissing at me, which is the Dominican version of a cat call. Whenever I would pass, before they could hiss, I would bark. I also barked at sketchy people on the subway and the stockbrokers who approached me in bars. It worked on all of them, and I was free to waltz around as the Belle of the Barrio.
2) Drench yourself in Jungle Gardenia cologne...no one can stand this scent for longer fifteen minutes.
3) Scratch your head frantically, then touch them on the arm and say, “Don't worry. Lice can't jump.”
4) Always insert your complete obsession with one of the following into the conversation: your extensive clown doll collection; crafting with carcasses; the Kardashians; your Cabbage Patch daughter, Emmeline; a letter writing campaign to free Charles Manson.
5) Occasionally throughout the chat, look behind you and say “Sssshhh, not now, Mummy. I'm not planning on being naughty. I promise. We'll talk about it when we get home.”
6) Have a perfectly normal conversation, BUT pump your eyebrows up and down the whole time your talking. Seriously...go to the mirror and try it. Would you keep talking to you?
Whoa...I just thought of something...do you think the dudes in Washington Heights beat me at my own game? What if they just chose a snake hiss instead of a dog bark, and were doing it not because they thought I was hot, but because they thought I was creepy? Something to think about.
the bourbonistA, Promoting Debauchery and stamping out political-correctness one blog at a time.