It’s Tie-One-On-Tuesday, and all I can think about is how I really shouldn’t. Every day for the last two months, I've declared that it was my last day to splurge, booze it up, watch trash TV, ditch the dogs, not work on the new book, and generally slack. I have looked in the mirror each morning for the last 60+ days and sworn that I would only allow myself 24 more hours of bad behavior before turning over a new leaf. I have vowed that “tomorrow” I would change my wicked ways and implement the changes in my life that I need to be a healthier and happier person. But, somehow, come morning, it is not “tomorrow,” but “today” again and I’m back to my barbaric ways. I need a lifestyle makeover stat before I wind up on a special combo-edition of “Hoarders,” “Intervention,” and “My 600-lb Life.”
Starting on May 16, I Vow To:
1) Eat better. Yesterday, my food consumption consisted of tortilla chips drowned in queso dip, Totinos Three-Cheese Party Pizza, Cheddar-stuffed jalapeno poppers, and Carrot Cake with a Cream Cheese Frosting. Woman cannot live by cheese alone! The only vegetable I got was when I accidentally dropped one chip into the salsa at the Mexican restaurant. From now on, I will eat at least one veggie with every meal.
2) Hydrate. The only H2O I get is from the melted ice in my cocktails. I will drink 6 glasses of water a day.
3) Move. Since I hate traditional exercise, this one is going to be tricky. I think the answer lies in indulging my inner child. I will give her a bouncy ball and hula-hoop, and then tell her not to use either in the house. The brat is bound to rebel by bouncing and hooping her way into shape.
4) Be a better mother to my mutts. I will brush and walk my boys on a regular basis. I will not convince myself that spraying them with perfume and taking them on a car ride to the liquor store is equivalent.
5) Keep a better house. I am a lousy homemaker. I seriously found a vacuum cleaner last night that I didn’t know I had. The implications: a) My house is so cluttered that I lost a vacuum cleaner. b) I didn’t even miss it. I’m done with being a dirty bird; I’m going to straighten up, then dust, mop, and fly right.
6) Write. I have a memoir that is not going to piss off my mother-in-law, totally tarnish my reputation, and go straight to Kindle by itself. I need to chain myself to the desk with a whiskey-drip and type until nothing but bone is hitting the keys.
Before anyone panics, I have no plans of going from Bohemian to boring. I don’t want to give up my life as a party girl. On the contrary, I want to ensure that I'll have decades of debauchery to come. I’ll keep you updated on my progress.
Sharing All I KNOW about the fine art of voluptuating. here's to living the lush life.